Mental Health

I have Bipolar II.  I had been previously diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) for over a decade at this point, so it came as a bit of a shock to get the new diagnosis.  (But also not really, once I started reading the common symptoms and had most of them, it made a lot of sense). Some background.....

Hindsight being 20/20,  I've had mental health issues my entire life. I just never really noticed them so they were not addressed. Things really started falling apart in my mid 20's (I'll be 37 in September) when I got divorced. I was going through a divorce, and on a major project at work and just completely shutdown. I seriously contemplated suicide and even had the rough outline of a plan.  I wouldn't be here today to type this if not for a last minute decision to buy a bottle of tequila and visit the condo I was selling one last time.  I decided to sit in my first child's first bedroom and get drunk instead.....it wasn't a good night.  I took a leave of absence from work and attended an intensive outpatient program to help get things sorted out. It was a good program - I was put on some new medication, attended a lot of therapy, and everything went back to normal....except normal wasn't great. I didn't so much as live as I did just exist in the world around me. I struggled to find joy in anything. I wasn't overly concerned about it though, that's just how I felt all the time. That was the new normal. Plus nobody even really knew except my wife and therapist so life went on.

Two months ago I woke up at 5:00am feeling absolutely amazing. Then I emptied my 401k because my wife and I definitely talked about - but never decided - whether to do it or not.  We were house hunting at the time, and emptying my 401k as a down payment seemed like an amazing idea - it won't be once taxes come if I did my math wrong.  
Fast forward to the afternoon, I ending up dancing and singing in the kitchen with the kids.  A really "awwwww" moment, except it was entirely out of character for me.  I knew something was wrong at this point, but really didn't want to do anything about it.  I felt good for the first time in a very, very, long time. I just wanted to enjoy it for a little while.

And I did, for a few hours at least.  But then responsibility kicked in (ok, so really my wife told me, but responsibility sounds much better), and I knew I had to address it.  I spent a few days in a locked psychiatric ward at the local hospital, got a new diagnosis and medications and that's that, everything is awesome.

Kidding of course, it usually never works that way with mental health. I'm currently on leave from work while I adjust to medication changes, trying to find the right balance between mood levels and physical exhaustion. It's a struggle but I'll get there. After all, I had a taste of  joy and happiness and I don't want to lose those again.